ADOLESCENCE OF A FATHER:
Hey almighty God, I have a sweet child born on the eve of new year. You know how cold the weather is. Just imagine how hard to take a conceived woman woman to a maternity hospital. An then you betrayed me after so much effort of mine. 'She turned out to be a girl'. What the hell it is.
but I believe in you, oh Mighty lord!.
I loved that gift of yours being oblivious to my own child. I caressed her even at her nuisance. She wept whenever I hold her, she pissed at my new trousers when I just had had my ablutions she made faces to me when I was happy, I got no solitude when I was harassed by the evilness of this world. I had lost the smell of odor of her mother cause we were to share the bed.
But what I gained was the pleasure of being a father. The father of a charming, sweet, beautiful and arrogant child. The child which used to love its father. I wants it to be same for the rest of my life. But I don't know why you have created devils. She just started believing in the Devil at an instance of space. She bend the general laws of physics. She started bending a 2'' thick solid iron rod with her delicate but nimble hands.
She started worships at midnight. She used to outsmart the crooks. Once she took some money out of a Don as extortion by kidnapping her daughter. She told me that she don't do it for money. But the hell with that. The point is she did it. haauffffffffff.
Oh my sweet lord this child is going out to devil, and now the devil has taken a form of a boy who I don't say exploits her but the case is reversed she is exploiting him. She is my sweet child which I have nurtured with great care and protection. I don't know what is the best possible way to get in to her dreams again.
But can't leave her just like that for committing such high degree crimes. I want to stop her but she didn't listen to me I scolded her but she is just numb. I want to kill her but she feels no pain no remorse. Oh dear God! please bring my child to me.
And if the devil you have her possessed then Oh dear Devil! please bring my child to me.
And my honour to the world.
NUMBNESS OF A CHILD:
Oh Devil! you know how much I have loved my father. I don't remember the days before which my memory started, but the memory of the scent of my father still remains in my lungs. I can't recall his expressions but I still have the noble and gentle touch of him in my skin and the firmness of his embraces in my blood. The sweet words are hardest to remember but the sweetness is unforgettable.
Then I got older he brought stuffs for me. May be not from father's affection but may be from obligations of a father. he called me almost always in the most ruthless manners but I adopted his demeanor as my identity. His slangs at others made me laugh and I cherished him as always.
Then, when I got senses, I started feeling nothing for him and then a vacuum was created in the vicinity of the egg in which I live. The yoke of the ellipse started getting paler and I found the pungent and aromatic odor as useless. I got immobilized. The numbness haunted me. The adolescent child has become white from blue.
Then the devil you came in. As the destiny of the colors every girl has to get pink. But for me it was mingled with the reddish aggravation and brownish hollowness. The color of being nothing or maybe something that I can't define haunted me. I started doing this and that is what matters.
The taste of cocaine can elate any one to you. I anticipated that. My father said that I am condescending but I was baffled. My desire of no need and no want would have done that. But to get a deep pink I did all what I should have ashamed off. He told me that I am converting to deep purple. The shame had left me years ago. The pleasure had over powered it. Oh devil you relished me.
But my father is upset not because of vacuum but because of the vulnerable air the has sucked. He wanted me to be the slave of vacuum but the vacuum became my slave and now the smoke of morphine can soothe it.
Oh Devil and oh Father, Leave me to me. (She uttered it as plea but without please)
Oh God please leave me to me. ( In a sound of comfort and no respect)
THE GUILTY ALMIGHTY:
I can be the Devil or the God, but it doesn't matter to me. I don't create rules. I just intervene in them. I am no good to be the one to solve your problems I just want to make father saffron and the girl pink. but they chose the colors of red and blue. I am nobody.
Even I love pleasure. The pleasure of being with someone whom I can master. Even they want so and that is why they I pleading me. But I know that they shouldn't, even they know they shouldn't. But the colors are too hard to ignore.
Colors have long ago eroded my skin my mind and now its eroding my comfort. But even being an outsider I love pleasure and true pleasure is obtained from our own choices. If choices change, the environment has to modify itself. The desires must be rectified.
I can't do anything because one must fight for his own choices.
Oh father oh Daughter " I am you, cause existence is limited by our own self."
Give me the toast of blood.
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Saturday, October 24, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
तितलियाँ और इच्छाए
एक गुलाबी तितली
लाल नसों वाली
प्यार से एक बाग़ में उड़ रही थी
मत सोचो की वो अकेली थी उसके
साथ कुछ नीली पंखो वाली और बहुत सी
तितलियाँ भी पराग की तलाश में
फूल छान रही थी
मुझे ( जाहिर सी बात है)
सिर्फ़ गुलाबी तितली ही दिखाई दी
तितली ने मुझे भाव विभोर कर दिया
पर शायद भावुक नही
मैं फिर से ये सोचने लगा
की इस तितली के पीछे भागो या नही
बड़े काम है मुझे
हाँ सो तोह है
मुझे बचपन से ही
रंगीन तितलियाँ पकड़ने का शौक है
उन्हें देख कर मैं
स्कूल जाना भूल जाता था
एक बार एक कागज का
प्लेन उडा रहा था
उससे एक तितली की मौत हो गई
दोस्तों ने कहा तू रोया क्यों नही
मैंने कहा था मुझे दुःख नही होता
फिर क्यों अचानक एक दिन जब एक बड़े से
ट्रक ने एक नीली तितली को कुचला तोह मुझे दुःख क्यों हुआ
मैंने जब सिंहावलोकन किया तोह पाया
की मैं नेपथ्य मैं गुलाबी तितली का करहना सुन रहा था
पर अब यह संगीत भी ओझल होता दिखाई देता है
क्योंकि मेरी इच्छाएं मुझे तित्लीयों के पीछे भागने से रोकती है
मुझे क्या चाहिए यह तोह नही पता पर हाँ
तितलियों का आकर्षण मुझे बाग़ मैं घुमा ही देता है
पर सच नही पता मुझे
की मैं क्या चाहता हूँ
तितलियाँ ही इच्छाएं है
या तितलियों ने इच्छाओ को मार कर
उनका आवरण धारण किया है
क्या फर्क पड़ता है
मुझे तोह सिर्फ़ खुशी चाहिए ना?????????
लाल नसों वाली
प्यार से एक बाग़ में उड़ रही थी
मत सोचो की वो अकेली थी उसके
साथ कुछ नीली पंखो वाली और बहुत सी
तितलियाँ भी पराग की तलाश में
फूल छान रही थी
मुझे ( जाहिर सी बात है)
सिर्फ़ गुलाबी तितली ही दिखाई दी
तितली ने मुझे भाव विभोर कर दिया
पर शायद भावुक नही
मैं फिर से ये सोचने लगा
की इस तितली के पीछे भागो या नही
बड़े काम है मुझे
हाँ सो तोह है
मुझे बचपन से ही
रंगीन तितलियाँ पकड़ने का शौक है
उन्हें देख कर मैं
स्कूल जाना भूल जाता था
एक बार एक कागज का
प्लेन उडा रहा था
उससे एक तितली की मौत हो गई
दोस्तों ने कहा तू रोया क्यों नही
मैंने कहा था मुझे दुःख नही होता
फिर क्यों अचानक एक दिन जब एक बड़े से
ट्रक ने एक नीली तितली को कुचला तोह मुझे दुःख क्यों हुआ
मैंने जब सिंहावलोकन किया तोह पाया
की मैं नेपथ्य मैं गुलाबी तितली का करहना सुन रहा था
पर अब यह संगीत भी ओझल होता दिखाई देता है
क्योंकि मेरी इच्छाएं मुझे तित्लीयों के पीछे भागने से रोकती है
मुझे क्या चाहिए यह तोह नही पता पर हाँ
तितलियों का आकर्षण मुझे बाग़ मैं घुमा ही देता है
पर सच नही पता मुझे
की मैं क्या चाहता हूँ
तितलियाँ ही इच्छाएं है
या तितलियों ने इच्छाओ को मार कर
उनका आवरण धारण किया है
क्या फर्क पड़ता है
मुझे तोह सिर्फ़ खुशी चाहिए ना?????????
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
सपने और अस्तित्व
कल रात
मुझे बहुत ज्यादा भूख लगी
परेशानी ने हद कर डाली
कुछ ढूँढा पर खाना तोह
जैसे यहाँ दुर्लभ ही है
पर फिर मुझे याद आया की
मेरे पास कुछ धुवें की डंडियाँ पड़ी है
उनमे से एक उठा ली और जला ली
भूख बहुत जल्दी ही शांत हो गयी
पर शायाद कुदरत और ही कुछ चाहती थी
पर थोडी ही देर बाद
मुझे और भोख लगी,
लगता है प्रकृति को पता है शैतान कैसे बनाये जाते हैं
पर में तोह इस सच से बेजार था
क्या करता सोचा इससे काम नही बनने वाला
तोह सोचा क्या किया जाए
शायद समय ज्यादा हो और नींद ना आती हो
तोह इंसान पागल हो जाए
नही शायद ही इंसान नही जानवर भी
पर हल तोह आवश्यक सा था
सो नींद लाने की कोशिश में खुली आंखों से
एक सपना देखना चालू किया
सपने में वोह सब मुझे मिल सकता था
जो कभी इच्छित था
यह प्रयत्न भी विफल रहा
और मुझे ना नींद आई ना ही क्षुंधा शांत हुई
पर पता नही क्या हुवा जब सुबह
मेरे अलारम ने मेरी नींद खोली
तोह समझ आया की
मैंने एक सपने में सपना देखा
जिसमे में वोह नही देख पाया
जो मुझे सपने में देखना था
मैंने वोह नही देखा
जो मैं अपने लिए अच्छा समझता था
मैंने वोह देखा जो मेरे लिए सबसे अच्छा हो सकता था
पर सपने का सपना तोह सपना ही है ना
शायद आस्तित्व हमारे निमित्त को आरक्षित कर देता हें
और निमित्त सपनो को
मुझे बहुत ज्यादा भूख लगी
परेशानी ने हद कर डाली
कुछ ढूँढा पर खाना तोह
जैसे यहाँ दुर्लभ ही है
पर फिर मुझे याद आया की
मेरे पास कुछ धुवें की डंडियाँ पड़ी है
उनमे से एक उठा ली और जला ली
भूख बहुत जल्दी ही शांत हो गयी
पर शायाद कुदरत और ही कुछ चाहती थी
पर थोडी ही देर बाद
मुझे और भोख लगी,
लगता है प्रकृति को पता है शैतान कैसे बनाये जाते हैं
पर में तोह इस सच से बेजार था
क्या करता सोचा इससे काम नही बनने वाला
तोह सोचा क्या किया जाए
शायद समय ज्यादा हो और नींद ना आती हो
तोह इंसान पागल हो जाए
नही शायद ही इंसान नही जानवर भी
पर हल तोह आवश्यक सा था
सो नींद लाने की कोशिश में खुली आंखों से
एक सपना देखना चालू किया
सपने में वोह सब मुझे मिल सकता था
जो कभी इच्छित था
यह प्रयत्न भी विफल रहा
और मुझे ना नींद आई ना ही क्षुंधा शांत हुई
पर पता नही क्या हुवा जब सुबह
मेरे अलारम ने मेरी नींद खोली
तोह समझ आया की
मैंने एक सपने में सपना देखा
जिसमे में वोह नही देख पाया
जो मुझे सपने में देखना था
मैंने वोह नही देखा
जो मैं अपने लिए अच्छा समझता था
मैंने वोह देखा जो मेरे लिए सबसे अच्छा हो सकता था
पर सपने का सपना तोह सपना ही है ना
शायद आस्तित्व हमारे निमित्त को आरक्षित कर देता हें
और निमित्त सपनो को
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
जंगली की कहानी
एक जंगली की कहानी सुनाता हूँ
थोडी बड़ी है
जंगल में जहाँ शेर भालू
और चीते रहते हैं
जहाँ कबाड़ भी नही होता
सिर्फ़ घास और पत्थर होते है, वहां
एक जंगली रहा करता था
उस जंगली ने, अकेले ही
उनके साथ रहने की आदत डाल ली
पर अचानक से वो अँधा हो गया
सोचो एक अकेला इंसान
अँधा पर अकेला
और सबसे, सबसे जरूरी जंगली
उसने हाथ से ढूंढ कर कुछ घास खायी
और जब उसके हाथ पर कुछ गर्मी का एहसास हुआ
तो उसने आग की खोज भी कर डाली
पर ऐसे जंगली कम ही तो होते हैं
उसने पत्थर, घास और आग,
और बहुत सारी और चीजे,
जिन पर उसे विश्वास था
कबाड़ को छोड़ कर
क्योंकि जंगल में कबाड़ नही होता
उन्हें जोड़ कर एक टाइम मशीन बनाई
वो फिर उस टाइम मशीन से इंसानों
के बीच आ पहुँचा
पर फितरत से मजबूर वो
जंगली, यहाँ भी ...
क्योंकि उसे सिर्फ़ अपने कायदों
पर विश्वास था
उन भूखे लोगों को
जो सिर्फ़ दिल पर एतबार करते है
या कम से कम दिखाते तो हैं
उन लोगो के ईश्वर को त्याग कर
अंगीठी में कोयला डाल कर
एक स्याह रात में सर्दी में बेठा रहा
सोचता था की उसे किसी ने बताया है की
यहाँ लोग प्यार भी कर सकते हैं
उस भूलावे में वो आ गया
पर वो जंगली फितरत से मजबूर
दिमाग पर ज्यादा भारोसा करता था
यहाँ भी....
हाँ यहाँ भी उसने मजे से जिन्दा
रहने का तरीका निकाला ही लिया
और उन सारे इंसानों से आगे निकल गया
जो कबाड़ में, भगवन में, और प्यार में विश्वास करते थे
पर टाइम मशीन पर नही
क्योंकि टाइम मशीन तो जंगली ने बनाई ना
वो जंगली ना न्यूटन था ना आइनस्टाइन था ना मैं
वो तो बुध, महात्मा गाँधी और मैं थे......
थोडी बड़ी है
जंगल में जहाँ शेर भालू
और चीते रहते हैं
जहाँ कबाड़ भी नही होता
सिर्फ़ घास और पत्थर होते है, वहां
एक जंगली रहा करता था
उस जंगली ने, अकेले ही
उनके साथ रहने की आदत डाल ली
पर अचानक से वो अँधा हो गया
सोचो एक अकेला इंसान
अँधा पर अकेला
और सबसे, सबसे जरूरी जंगली
उसने हाथ से ढूंढ कर कुछ घास खायी
और जब उसके हाथ पर कुछ गर्मी का एहसास हुआ
तो उसने आग की खोज भी कर डाली
पर ऐसे जंगली कम ही तो होते हैं
उसने पत्थर, घास और आग,
और बहुत सारी और चीजे,
जिन पर उसे विश्वास था
कबाड़ को छोड़ कर
क्योंकि जंगल में कबाड़ नही होता
उन्हें जोड़ कर एक टाइम मशीन बनाई
वो फिर उस टाइम मशीन से इंसानों
के बीच आ पहुँचा
पर फितरत से मजबूर वो
जंगली, यहाँ भी ...
क्योंकि उसे सिर्फ़ अपने कायदों
पर विश्वास था
उन भूखे लोगों को
जो सिर्फ़ दिल पर एतबार करते है
या कम से कम दिखाते तो हैं
उन लोगो के ईश्वर को त्याग कर
अंगीठी में कोयला डाल कर
एक स्याह रात में सर्दी में बेठा रहा
सोचता था की उसे किसी ने बताया है की
यहाँ लोग प्यार भी कर सकते हैं
उस भूलावे में वो आ गया
पर वो जंगली फितरत से मजबूर
दिमाग पर ज्यादा भारोसा करता था
यहाँ भी....
हाँ यहाँ भी उसने मजे से जिन्दा
रहने का तरीका निकाला ही लिया
और उन सारे इंसानों से आगे निकल गया
जो कबाड़ में, भगवन में, और प्यार में विश्वास करते थे
पर टाइम मशीन पर नही
क्योंकि टाइम मशीन तो जंगली ने बनाई ना
वो जंगली ना न्यूटन था ना आइनस्टाइन था ना मैं
वो तो बुध, महात्मा गाँधी और मैं थे......
Sunday, September 6, 2009
एक सहर
कुत्तों के शहर में इंसान
कुछ आपके जैसे, बाकी मेरे जैसे
याद रखिये ये एक साम्यवादी कहता है
क्योंकि कुत्तों और इंसानों में सिर्फ़ उसे ही फर्क पता है
अवसरवादी और पर्यावरणविद तो दोनों में
फर्क ही नही जानते
एक बार एक इंसान की लाश को
कुत्तों के एक मशहूर ड्राईवर ने कुचल डाला
उस पर केस चला, लाश को कुचलने का
हाँ, कुत्तों के लिए इंसान तो लाश ही है ना
जज ने कहा, क्या बेटा ज्यादा पिए थे क्या
वो तो कोई नही
पर तुमने लाश को बाकी इंसानों के
खाने के लिए क्यों छोड़ दिया
डर नही लगता सड़ती इंसानों की लाशें देखने में
फिर वो कुत्ता उस लाश के बारे में सोचने लगा
की उस इंसान की अंतडियां बाहर आकर
निशाचरों को निमंत्रण दे रहे थी
वो शायद उनके डिनर का समय था
एक चीले ने धीरे से दाहिने आँख निकली और हवा में ले उडी
तभी एक बिल्ली जिसने पहले खून नही चखा था
ना जाने कहाँ से आई और पेट के ठीक नीचे से अपना
हिस्सा निकाल कर ले गई
असली काम एक नरभक्षी बन्दर ने किया,
जो भूख से बेबस हो कर कपाल को नारियल की
तरह फोड़ने लगा
और फिर जिस पर इंसान को नाज़ है
उसका वही अंग लेकर वहां खाने लगा
पर कुत्तों के समाज में भी तो तिरिष्क्रित कुत्ते
होते ही हैं
एक ऐसी ही कुतिया आई और उसने जो विभत्सता दिखाई
उसे सोच कर वो अपराधी भी दंग रह गया
उसने इंसान के दिल के टुकड़े किए
खून पिया और
और फिर आसमान की तरफ़ देख कर
अपनी ही बोली में रोने लगी
शायद कहती थी की पैगंबर
अपने बाशिंदों को भेज इस इंसान का बचा
शरीर खाने को
आख़िर कुत्तों के समाज में जहाँ
इन्सान रहते हैं
कुछ आपके जैसे, बाकी मेरे जैसे
वहां भी कुत्तो के दिल में भावनाए तो होती ही है
यही सोच कर उस जालिम ड्राईवर ने
सबके सामने कोर्ट में माफ़ी मांगी
कुछ आपके जैसे, बाकी मेरे जैसे
याद रखिये ये एक साम्यवादी कहता है
क्योंकि कुत्तों और इंसानों में सिर्फ़ उसे ही फर्क पता है
अवसरवादी और पर्यावरणविद तो दोनों में
फर्क ही नही जानते
एक बार एक इंसान की लाश को
कुत्तों के एक मशहूर ड्राईवर ने कुचल डाला
उस पर केस चला, लाश को कुचलने का
हाँ, कुत्तों के लिए इंसान तो लाश ही है ना
जज ने कहा, क्या बेटा ज्यादा पिए थे क्या
वो तो कोई नही
पर तुमने लाश को बाकी इंसानों के
खाने के लिए क्यों छोड़ दिया
डर नही लगता सड़ती इंसानों की लाशें देखने में
फिर वो कुत्ता उस लाश के बारे में सोचने लगा
की उस इंसान की अंतडियां बाहर आकर
निशाचरों को निमंत्रण दे रहे थी
वो शायद उनके डिनर का समय था
एक चीले ने धीरे से दाहिने आँख निकली और हवा में ले उडी
तभी एक बिल्ली जिसने पहले खून नही चखा था
ना जाने कहाँ से आई और पेट के ठीक नीचे से अपना
हिस्सा निकाल कर ले गई
असली काम एक नरभक्षी बन्दर ने किया,
जो भूख से बेबस हो कर कपाल को नारियल की
तरह फोड़ने लगा
और फिर जिस पर इंसान को नाज़ है
उसका वही अंग लेकर वहां खाने लगा
पर कुत्तों के समाज में भी तो तिरिष्क्रित कुत्ते
होते ही हैं
एक ऐसी ही कुतिया आई और उसने जो विभत्सता दिखाई
उसे सोच कर वो अपराधी भी दंग रह गया
उसने इंसान के दिल के टुकड़े किए
खून पिया और
और फिर आसमान की तरफ़ देख कर
अपनी ही बोली में रोने लगी
शायद कहती थी की पैगंबर
अपने बाशिंदों को भेज इस इंसान का बचा
शरीर खाने को
आख़िर कुत्तों के समाज में जहाँ
इन्सान रहते हैं
कुछ आपके जैसे, बाकी मेरे जैसे
वहां भी कुत्तो के दिल में भावनाए तो होती ही है
यही सोच कर उस जालिम ड्राईवर ने
सबके सामने कोर्ट में माफ़ी मांगी
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
कांच
टूटे कांच की खनक
जब मैंने पहली बार सुनी
तो कुछ अटपटा सा लगा था
फिर मैंने कांच से ही पूछ डाला
मुझे कैसा लगना चाहिए
तो उसने कोई जवाब ही नही दिया
अरे, मैं ही तो बुद्धू था
जो यह भी भूल गया की कांच बोलेगा कैसे
पर फिर मैंने एक तरीका निकाला
उससे उगलवाने का
मैंने उसे दुबारा उठा कर
पटक दिया
फिर आवाज़ आई
पर इस बार शायद, मेरे अलावा
सुनने वाले दूसरे भी थे
ज्यादातर लोग फिर
विस्मित थे मेरे तरह क्योंकि
यह शायद उनका पहला अनुभव था
कांच को टूटते सुनने का
पर इस बार, मैंने ध्यान दिया
कांच शायद इस बात से दुखी है की उसे मैंने तोडा है
नतीजा में तीसरी बार कांच के टूटने का इंतज़ार कर रहा हूँ
क्योंकि शायद इस बार तोह कांच
मुझे कहेगा ही
के उसमे कितना सोडा पड़ा है
पर परेशानी यह है की
मुझे प्रयोग करने के लिए
हर बार कांच तोड़ना ही पड़ता है
और कांच मुझे कुछ कह ही नही पाता
क्योंकि टूटने पर कांच शायद मर जाता है
जब मैंने पहली बार सुनी
तो कुछ अटपटा सा लगा था
फिर मैंने कांच से ही पूछ डाला
मुझे कैसा लगना चाहिए
तो उसने कोई जवाब ही नही दिया
अरे, मैं ही तो बुद्धू था
जो यह भी भूल गया की कांच बोलेगा कैसे
पर फिर मैंने एक तरीका निकाला
उससे उगलवाने का
मैंने उसे दुबारा उठा कर
पटक दिया
फिर आवाज़ आई
पर इस बार शायद, मेरे अलावा
सुनने वाले दूसरे भी थे
ज्यादातर लोग फिर
विस्मित थे मेरे तरह क्योंकि
यह शायद उनका पहला अनुभव था
कांच को टूटते सुनने का
पर इस बार, मैंने ध्यान दिया
कांच शायद इस बात से दुखी है की उसे मैंने तोडा है
नतीजा में तीसरी बार कांच के टूटने का इंतज़ार कर रहा हूँ
क्योंकि शायद इस बार तोह कांच
मुझे कहेगा ही
के उसमे कितना सोडा पड़ा है
पर परेशानी यह है की
मुझे प्रयोग करने के लिए
हर बार कांच तोड़ना ही पड़ता है
और कांच मुझे कुछ कह ही नही पाता
क्योंकि टूटने पर कांच शायद मर जाता है
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
May be new.... who cares
Its about a sweet little gal, black jacket of fur and curly hairs with too innocent of expresions. She tried to deny her filth but when she took a stride in woods she was afraid of the unknown and unpredictable danger.
Every thing he loved was morphine and apart from it, he has nothing to worry about. Sometimes he talks of distractions from the world which made him feel farther from drugs and take him into the social fantasies. He imagines of being right, but what he believes, is quite different what he wants.
And thats what makes the fallacy of imagination and believe. They both are quite similar but the righteousness of the event can only be uploaded when an authority approves it.
So he and she penetrated into the deeper questions like they don't want to leave imagination but they don't anticipate to leave their innate qualities and more important the qualities that gives them the social happiness. The bread, the butter, the water and every thing else that might have taken them out the of unhappiness.
Similarity in bread and sex is they provoke you to the meanest or may be the best of your instincts. They makes us live, think and enjoy in the most unpredictable but most wanted ways.
Monday, July 20, 2009
I CAN'T GUESS THE TITLE
Its deep down inside me. The term is agony. I judge an actor by the expression of his feelings when he shows that his soul (which I defined as the contentment of brain cells which produces emotions within you along with to perform your biological operations) is in deep agony in serious roles and his soul in deep joy when he performs a character with positive feeelings.
The most important part of our life is what is deep down inside us. It may be aquired, adapted or innate, but cannot be intentionally imposed.
Once I felt nothingness inside me or may be no feelings and the worst was no remorse for having nothingness. The I felt may be I am wrong I am too emotional to do that. Once my sister told me that she always guess wrongs about me because I change or show the real color of my skin years later. I am a cold blooded animal who sucks the hot blooders to get warmed up for the feeling. My intimacy for the feelings are such that I try to imitate them from the others, but not from the circumstances. I was stunned by her interpretation so I derived a new technique.
I tried to imbibe me with all sorts of swords in my brain. I started putting feelings inside me that may have warned me up and then you know what happened I failed in my quest. Just a little back in time I went into a feeling that still is very hard for me to deny , and may be this time for good/bad I am not able to get out of the feeling.
They are telling me that it will soon pass away but this time I want to lose my immortality. I wanted to be predicatble. I wanted things like money, and heart full of emotions. May be I can stay like this for the whole of my life just trying to understand the quantums of the society but what haunts me is ignominy. Like the most brilliant actors I want to feel it deep down inside and may be by that way I can be the one that I might have dreamt for years.
I want to want fame, name, money, love and all the stupidnees that exists in this logical world and the irony is I have wanted them long back deep down inside. My soul cries (my brain biological cell) that I shouldn't be so rough on me but still I don't know that how much will it matter.
I want to feel the same way, the language of disrimination that cheif officer of Dorado had. He just told me that It is being unprofessional of me being listening to a pakistani over and Indian. I wanted to say him fuck off but know what I want is his innate qualities.
But like a small child taking birth I should or the circumstances should teach me that which of the feelings are pure and came out of heart, not the feelings that are generated my own self humilitation. Sometimes it shows that we are losing our integrity to mortals of shame and may be to a person who was too forced to look deep down inside his soul.
And then I force myself for this stupidity. No, Its not that but the moon is always dark but we make it only one side dark where the light of sun doesn't reach but It may still have the calmness that I love, the pacifying ability, the gravity that pulls out the humongous water to several meters, and above all it holds the image in the poems of a love generator.
And thats why I want to return to the world of mortals.
The most important part of our life is what is deep down inside us. It may be aquired, adapted or innate, but cannot be intentionally imposed.
Once I felt nothingness inside me or may be no feelings and the worst was no remorse for having nothingness. The I felt may be I am wrong I am too emotional to do that. Once my sister told me that she always guess wrongs about me because I change or show the real color of my skin years later. I am a cold blooded animal who sucks the hot blooders to get warmed up for the feeling. My intimacy for the feelings are such that I try to imitate them from the others, but not from the circumstances. I was stunned by her interpretation so I derived a new technique.
I tried to imbibe me with all sorts of swords in my brain. I started putting feelings inside me that may have warned me up and then you know what happened I failed in my quest. Just a little back in time I went into a feeling that still is very hard for me to deny , and may be this time for good/bad I am not able to get out of the feeling.
They are telling me that it will soon pass away but this time I want to lose my immortality. I wanted to be predicatble. I wanted things like money, and heart full of emotions. May be I can stay like this for the whole of my life just trying to understand the quantums of the society but what haunts me is ignominy. Like the most brilliant actors I want to feel it deep down inside and may be by that way I can be the one that I might have dreamt for years.
I want to want fame, name, money, love and all the stupidnees that exists in this logical world and the irony is I have wanted them long back deep down inside. My soul cries (my brain biological cell) that I shouldn't be so rough on me but still I don't know that how much will it matter.
I want to feel the same way, the language of disrimination that cheif officer of Dorado had. He just told me that It is being unprofessional of me being listening to a pakistani over and Indian. I wanted to say him fuck off but know what I want is his innate qualities.
But like a small child taking birth I should or the circumstances should teach me that which of the feelings are pure and came out of heart, not the feelings that are generated my own self humilitation. Sometimes it shows that we are losing our integrity to mortals of shame and may be to a person who was too forced to look deep down inside his soul.
And then I force myself for this stupidity. No, Its not that but the moon is always dark but we make it only one side dark where the light of sun doesn't reach but It may still have the calmness that I love, the pacifying ability, the gravity that pulls out the humongous water to several meters, and above all it holds the image in the poems of a love generator.
And thats why I want to return to the world of mortals.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
वोह शाम
उन मुलाकातों के पन्नों में हम कुछ इस कदर खोये।
कि जब अपने आप को ढूंढ़ना चाहा तोह
मुझे अपने में सिर्फ़ सोच नज़र आई
लगा मेरा तोह कोई अस्तित्य ही नही
वहां, जहाँ भौतिक देह मायने रखती है
मेरा यह सपना हमेशा ही अधूरा रहा कि
कोई मुझे देखे
वोह तोह हमेशा मेरे पार ही देखते थे
मेरे परछाई भी ऐसा लागत था जैसे
किसी चीज़ पर ठेहेरती ही नही है
मेरे छिछली रूह मुझे उस दिन कि याद दिलाती है
जिस दिन तुम मुझसे मिलने आई
मुझे नही पता था कि कुछ कहना चाहिए या नही
पर फिर भी मैंने जितना हो सका उतना तोह कहा ही था
वोह उमंग ना कहीं दिखाई देती है
ना तुम में ना मुझमें
जो उस शाम को शानदार बना सके
पर अफ़सोस ना तुम्हे था ना मुझे
शायद समय बहुत जरूरी होता है
वास्तविकता का भान कराने में
पर यह बात मेरी समझ में ज़रा देर से आई
पर मैं हमेशा से यही जनता हूँ
कि समय छलावा होता है
तोह देर होने से भी फरक नही पड़ता
जहाँ तक मेरा सवाल है मैं अभी तक
तुम्हारे आखरी त्यौरी के चढ़े हुवे बालों पर ही अटका हूँ
कि जब अपने आप को ढूंढ़ना चाहा तोह
मुझे अपने में सिर्फ़ सोच नज़र आई
लगा मेरा तोह कोई अस्तित्य ही नही
वहां, जहाँ भौतिक देह मायने रखती है
मेरा यह सपना हमेशा ही अधूरा रहा कि
कोई मुझे देखे
वोह तोह हमेशा मेरे पार ही देखते थे
मेरे परछाई भी ऐसा लागत था जैसे
किसी चीज़ पर ठेहेरती ही नही है
मेरे छिछली रूह मुझे उस दिन कि याद दिलाती है
जिस दिन तुम मुझसे मिलने आई
मुझे नही पता था कि कुछ कहना चाहिए या नही
पर फिर भी मैंने जितना हो सका उतना तोह कहा ही था
वोह उमंग ना कहीं दिखाई देती है
ना तुम में ना मुझमें
जो उस शाम को शानदार बना सके
पर अफ़सोस ना तुम्हे था ना मुझे
शायद समय बहुत जरूरी होता है
वास्तविकता का भान कराने में
पर यह बात मेरी समझ में ज़रा देर से आई
पर मैं हमेशा से यही जनता हूँ
कि समय छलावा होता है
तोह देर होने से भी फरक नही पड़ता
जहाँ तक मेरा सवाल है मैं अभी तक
तुम्हारे आखरी त्यौरी के चढ़े हुवे बालों पर ही अटका हूँ
Saturday, June 6, 2009
कलमा
प्रणय के सावन में जब,
मैंने अपनी इच्छाए जातई तो,
तुम कट लिए जमाने का वास्ता देकर ।
में जानता हूँ चालाक हो तुम लेकिन
पच्ताऊगे तुम
पर ये ज़माना न तुम्हे जीने देगा, ना मुझे
भीड़ बड़ी अजीब सी चीज़ है
जिसमे खोना इतना मासूम लगता है
पर इंसान, शायद कुछ अपने जैसे
इससे कतराते हैं
डर लगता है ना मेरी बाणी सुनकर
पर क्या करू सच बोलने की आदत सी पड़ गयी
जिन्दगी इतनी उदास तो नही है, फिर भी
तुम मुझे हमेशा याद आती रहोगी
क्योंकि सिर्फ़ ऐसा नही, की मैं तुम्हे नही समझ पाया
तुम भी शायद मुझसे उतनी ही अनजान हो
पर मैंने आन्सुवों को देखा था एक दिन तुम्हारी आँखों में
जब तुम्हारे बाप ने मुझे तुम्हारा आशिक बुलाया था
पर क्या करूँ मजमून से मजबूर था
पर यह सब शायद उस कैंडी का कमाल था जिसे
हम दोनों खाना चाहते थे
तुम्हे नही मिली तो तुम रो पड़ी
पर में तो एक लड़का था
सो छुपा बेठा
पर अब मुझे भान है
और मेंने रास्ता निकल लिया है
जिन्दा रहने का
पता है अब मैं पुतलों पर विश्वास करता हूँ
क्योंकि उन में जितनी इच्छाएं होती है
उतना ही दिखाते हैं
मैंने अपनी इच्छाए जातई तो,
तुम कट लिए जमाने का वास्ता देकर ।
में जानता हूँ चालाक हो तुम लेकिन
पच्ताऊगे तुम
पर ये ज़माना न तुम्हे जीने देगा, ना मुझे
भीड़ बड़ी अजीब सी चीज़ है
जिसमे खोना इतना मासूम लगता है
पर इंसान, शायद कुछ अपने जैसे
इससे कतराते हैं
डर लगता है ना मेरी बाणी सुनकर
पर क्या करू सच बोलने की आदत सी पड़ गयी
जिन्दगी इतनी उदास तो नही है, फिर भी
तुम मुझे हमेशा याद आती रहोगी
क्योंकि सिर्फ़ ऐसा नही, की मैं तुम्हे नही समझ पाया
तुम भी शायद मुझसे उतनी ही अनजान हो
पर मैंने आन्सुवों को देखा था एक दिन तुम्हारी आँखों में
जब तुम्हारे बाप ने मुझे तुम्हारा आशिक बुलाया था
पर क्या करूँ मजमून से मजबूर था
पर यह सब शायद उस कैंडी का कमाल था जिसे
हम दोनों खाना चाहते थे
तुम्हे नही मिली तो तुम रो पड़ी
पर में तो एक लड़का था
सो छुपा बेठा
पर अब मुझे भान है
और मेंने रास्ता निकल लिया है
जिन्दा रहने का
पता है अब मैं पुतलों पर विश्वास करता हूँ
क्योंकि उन में जितनी इच्छाएं होती है
उतना ही दिखाते हैं
Saturday, May 2, 2009
An Experiment on a Bird in the Air Pump
This is a portrait by Joseph wright.
reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An_Experiment_on_a_Bird_in_the_Air_Pump
We all know how important the vacuum pumps are, but the most sensational part of the story is its invention. The inventor "Robert Boyle" in his experiment while testing his designed one of the three pumps wrote this
"the Bird for a while appear'd lively enough; but upon a greater Exsuction of the Air, she began manifestly to droop and appear sick, and very soon after was taken with as violent and irregular Convulsions, as are wont to be observ'd in Poultry, when their heads are wrung off: For the Bird threw her self over and over two or three times, and dyed with her Breast upward, her Head downwards, and her Neck awry"
This just shows his great interest in science but the worst part of the story was not Boyle, his successors used birds for demonstrations which is more of fun and less of educations and that's how I think that portrait might have come of.
Or may simply be the painter just wanted to paint something so out of curiosity he painted it out,Or may be due to ignominy in painters heart towards him and towards his counterpart humans (which I certainly doubt) he have invented (sorry painted) it out.
Then due to intentions not to be disclosed out/ discovered out/ or may be I am not sure of, that I remember a great song by led zepplin, which says in some of his lines
There's a song bird who sing............And she is buying a stairway to heaven.
The birds who sacrificed themselves/ or may be we sacrificed them for our own personal interests/ amusements/ curiosity /or just for sake of demonstration (Birds) sold out souls of theirs in the naked world and left us to buy stairway to heaven and is enjoying in a low-pressured-chamber-heaven.
May be, I don't know / appreciate but I am also buying a stairway to heaven because even I believe that all what glitters is gold like the bird who believed that she could sing in vacuum.
reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An_Experiment_on_a_Bird_in_the_Air_Pump
We all know how important the vacuum pumps are, but the most sensational part of the story is its invention. The inventor "Robert Boyle" in his experiment while testing his designed one of the three pumps wrote this"the Bird for a while appear'd lively enough; but upon a greater Exsuction of the Air, she began manifestly to droop and appear sick, and very soon after was taken with as violent and irregular Convulsions, as are wont to be observ'd in Poultry, when their heads are wrung off: For the Bird threw her self over and over two or three times, and dyed with her Breast upward, her Head downwards, and her Neck awry"
This just shows his great interest in science but the worst part of the story was not Boyle, his successors used birds for demonstrations which is more of fun and less of educations and that's how I think that portrait might have come of.
Or may simply be the painter just wanted to paint something so out of curiosity he painted it out,Or may be due to ignominy in painters heart towards him and towards his counterpart humans (which I certainly doubt) he have invented (sorry painted) it out.
Then due to intentions not to be disclosed out/ discovered out/ or may be I am not sure of, that I remember a great song by led zepplin, which says in some of his lines
There's a song bird who sing............And she is buying a stairway to heaven.
The birds who sacrificed themselves/ or may be we sacrificed them for our own personal interests/ amusements/ curiosity /or just for sake of demonstration (Birds) sold out souls of theirs in the naked world and left us to buy stairway to heaven and is enjoying in a low-pressured-chamber-heaven.
May be, I don't know / appreciate but I am also buying a stairway to heaven because even I believe that all what glitters is gold like the bird who believed that she could sing in vacuum.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Virus and My Laptop
The story starts when I purchased my dell inspiron 1525. I bought a game "enter the matrix" good game but what it did was, Hell the blue screen of death. I thought my hard disk was corrupted. The same happened with counter-strike. But finally when I uninstalled both the games the problem solved automatically.
Then after installing several other games, One day I thought of installing Norton Anti-Virus. You know what it did, It detected some virus named win-almanahe along with hacktool rootkit. but the worst part of the story was that it failed to identify virus like new folder.exe along with some unknown viruses. Then after my free subscription of norton was over I decided to remove it.
I downloaded an antivirus smartav.exe. But as I removed norton It left some traces of virus itself which remained even after formatting my computer (the interesting point is that I formatted my laptop before that almost 4-5 times in 2 months). Then as I installed the smartav.exe It removed new folder.exe but please trust on nobody it modifies some of my regisrty which again forced me to format.
I thought of manual removal of virus. I came across the fact that the .com files are preferable to .exe files. When I was at home I came across a file name NTdetect.com or something like that I deleted it. My computer stopped booting. alas what a great piece. I talked to model to take a fresh copy of window through which I repaired my laptop for the first ( before it I only used formatting).
Then I came across the recent attack of olhrwef.exe. It was the worst I could have ever imagined it did everything to my computer. but because of my genius brain and the google I maunally removed the deadliest encounter. but It was not the worst.
I was searching for a software to boost up my internet speed I came across to a .exe file. and you know it installed various of spywares. I will give you image.
My comupter is sending hunderds of mails to unidentified email addresses and I am frustrated of that. Please tell me what can I do.
But this is not the end there are too many worms roaming inside the body of my comupter
Please help me.
Then after installing several other games, One day I thought of installing Norton Anti-Virus. You know what it did, It detected some virus named win-almanahe along with hacktool rootkit. but the worst part of the story was that it failed to identify virus like new folder.exe along with some unknown viruses. Then after my free subscription of norton was over I decided to remove it.
I downloaded an antivirus smartav.exe. But as I removed norton It left some traces of virus itself which remained even after formatting my computer (the interesting point is that I formatted my laptop before that almost 4-5 times in 2 months). Then as I installed the smartav.exe It removed new folder.exe but please trust on nobody it modifies some of my regisrty which again forced me to format.
I thought of manual removal of virus. I came across the fact that the .com files are preferable to .exe files. When I was at home I came across a file name NTdetect.com or something like that I deleted it. My computer stopped booting. alas what a great piece. I talked to model to take a fresh copy of window through which I repaired my laptop for the first ( before it I only used formatting).
Then I came across the recent attack of olhrwef.exe. It was the worst I could have ever imagined it did everything to my computer. but because of my genius brain and the google I maunally removed the deadliest encounter. but It was not the worst.
I was searching for a software to boost up my internet speed I came across to a .exe file. and you know it installed various of spywares. I will give you image.
My comupter is sending hunderds of mails to unidentified email addresses and I am frustrated of that. Please tell me what can I do.
But this is not the end there are too many worms roaming inside the body of my comupter
Please help me.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
The Confession
This time I am sure you have read the story of "The prince and the swallow" (don't recollect the name correctly).
Once I asked to a teacher, may be a stupid question but I asked, Who will decide who is right, do the society or the god.
That was a long time ago when I read the story when I believed in angels, for helping the people the angel took the broken heart of the prince and the dead sparrow to the heaven.
Now years later what I saw that I missied in that story is the concept of a feeling of being good that might not take you to the heaven but you feel it from the inside.
No, the most important thing I missed is that who will decide that a sparrow and his little prince is good or not. That was a story of ancient time when we have an axiom that being good is about being helpful. Now the thing comes to the question to my teacher who will decide good.
Will osama decide that being good means an antagonist to idol-worshipper?
Will US deciede that being a soviet means you are fed up?
Will Russia decide that being a capitalist means you are of no use?
Will Priest decide that being a harijan means a dog?
I just wants to ask who the hell is the society to decide that we are wrong? This world decides whatever is convinent to them. It sounds absurd but I think humans have conscience to think what is wrong and what is right.
You may give the examples of insanes, mads, fanatics the question again arises: do you want to behave the same way?
The world may tell you it is right because it is better for the society but do you think it is?
This question I have forgotten years ago that was what I want to confess.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The Psyche
Now this is the moment when I feel deprived of myself. The statement is quite two way: may be I really am feeling embarresed when they behave like that or may be They feel embarresed when they behave the way shouldn't to the the upcoming emperor or the living prodigy.
The statement when communicated properly leave an effect of the green light which can be seen only to the poles where one can try to go to Valhalla. But still the way of one's communication should not be ambiguous as if he may meant nothing to others like blacks and whites of constitution. the main drawback with the constitution is it is not for others to understand but to communicate by force.
The world of which its emporer is thinking about would have the basic concept of anarchy but still anarchy communicates nothing of rules. The rules of communication must be properly understood like a mass communicator thats why i suppose most of us persue the course.
Still I don't know why most of them just don't feel about hurting others may be basically they have the same feeling that I do have of anarchy, but they want democracy or dictartorship (which I belive is somewhat same). I think the only cause may their way of applying there emotions.
I just want to ask a simple question if they do believe in any of them don't I exist, or is their feeling of democracy or dictatorship only guide to their emotions not mine.
Some of them do understand it but still the question of application remains what matters in the last for me. The irony is I pretend not to think about the ambigous feelings which makes the whole lot of me.
This case wont' be their for any psyche(spirit) in the world. If yes are you one?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Redtappism
Listen here you young whelps. I spent four years in siberia. I spent them because I saw people starved and ragged and crushed under a boot, and I asked for freedom. I still see the people starved and ragged and crushed under a boot. Only the boot is red. I didn't go to Siberia to fight for a crazed, power-drunk , blood thirsty gang that stranglesfor the people as they've never been strangled before, that knows less of freedom than any czar ever did! Go ahead and drink in your fool brains, drink to anything you wish. but when you drink to the soviets, don't drink to me. ---AYN RAND
This is one of the most amazing thing I have read in a book of Ayn Rand. This is phrase uttered by a communist not praising czar but mocking the decendents of Marx and Lenin, Its not the treachery for there idaelists but the true feeling of a man whose soul is free and who is not bounded by any thoughts but the thought of freedom. This thought of freedom is completely contradicts the existence of contadiciton itself.
The above speech was given by a father at her daughter's wedding when he was calling almost all of us a dog who is not only after the bone but also after sex with the greatest bitch in the town and also about earning respect for being the most loyal dog for the red tappism.
This is one of the most amazing thing I have read in a book of Ayn Rand. This is phrase uttered by a communist not praising czar but mocking the decendents of Marx and Lenin, Its not the treachery for there idaelists but the true feeling of a man whose soul is free and who is not bounded by any thoughts but the thought of freedom. This thought of freedom is completely contradicts the existence of contadiciton itself.
The above speech was given by a father at her daughter's wedding when he was calling almost all of us a dog who is not only after the bone but also after sex with the greatest bitch in the town and also about earning respect for being the most loyal dog for the red tappism.
The point is we all are/were red tappist because we just don't want to think about the "possibilities" and the demiensions which may harm our social image.
It is like the world maktub in which we accept that it is written. we keep on following the ideas of any revolutionary without thinking he/she was right or worng.
now the synopsis of the blog is don't try to follow anyone doesn't matter how smart he or she is just try to figure out is he/she right in your perspect. and try to broaden your perspect.
post script: writting synopsis is like giving lectures, that I don't like
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Morality under scrutiny
Morality is such an old issue to encounter when talk about humanity. This, I reckon, is bit embarrasing when people changes their stances in poisiton of power and exile. The problem is not the change of vitality but the problem is the lack of vitality. Some of us just forget about to fight in those occasions but we try to fight either against or for morality. Our judgement just changes with the power not for or against it.
Many times when see myself in the position of a mythological king what I want is "The Victory " against the strong and "The Devotion" against the might. What I or I reckon most of us, where genders are none of concerns, wants is explotation and sexual harassament of the weak for our pleasure, while in position of deprivement we just want the submission of our own identity. This is fighting type I doesn't want.
The technique of avoid and evade if you use against an intentionally cruel or a wicked man, you might be enjoying the luxury of being a lonely person running away from the suppressors of the world, while if you use the technique of watch and wait against a perfectly agile love of yours you might be losing the time of love.
Most of the times our morality depends on how we take and change our instances, how we fight, how we love, how we politiceze a situtation, how we cajole the people, whom we belive in, whose side we take, but I am damn sure that it doesn't depend on how we are strong, or intellectual, or alone, or exiled, or fasinated, or genius, or amicable, or juvenille, or masulline/feminine, or damn f**ker, or even innocent,and even it is not decided by the past or the inavoidable things that have occured to us. One's morality or his character only depends on his stances and his dissisions.
Many times when see myself in the position of a mythological king what I want is "The Victory " against the strong and "The Devotion" against the might. What I or I reckon most of us, where genders are none of concerns, wants is explotation and sexual harassament of the weak for our pleasure, while in position of deprivement we just want the submission of our own identity. This is fighting type I doesn't want.
The technique of avoid and evade if you use against an intentionally cruel or a wicked man, you might be enjoying the luxury of being a lonely person running away from the suppressors of the world, while if you use the technique of watch and wait against a perfectly agile love of yours you might be losing the time of love.
Most of the times our morality depends on how we take and change our instances, how we fight, how we love, how we politiceze a situtation, how we cajole the people, whom we belive in, whose side we take, but I am damn sure that it doesn't depend on how we are strong, or intellectual, or alone, or exiled, or fasinated, or genius, or amicable, or juvenille, or masulline/feminine, or damn f**ker, or even innocent,and even it is not decided by the past or the inavoidable things that have occured to us. One's morality or his character only depends on his stances and his dissisions.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
THE ME AND THE YOU
You know what the story starts in the mid of 2003 when I first saw the movie "Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets", When I first saw the girl named Hermoine Granger. Thats like the kind of girl I wanted for my love. The addiction of that movie or sorry the girl was so much that I made a real effigy of Emma watson that is rejenuvated in other form but my primary love remained same.
Then slowly I realized what is the thing I loved in her, that was every thing even her being crazy about the stupidest things, the sincerity ofcourse, again the beauty, the dangerous look which a boy would have always wanted for and it is what I am craving for.
I never had guts to accept such a real time love of mine in its zenith. I always admired her by my own way. Every time I looked at most of girls I was just able to look at them like her. It made me crazier about the world they all seem to me like the same, the best, the one I ever wanted to be with just a simple difference, but some of the times my perceptory senses were unable to distinguish such noticable differences.
After the ghost of love have left my head I started realizing the differences but the love remained and know I suppose I reckon correctly that I have always loved only Emma Watson.
I know that she is never gonna read it but it is like some of things are written for your loved ones even when you don't expect them to even know about.
Since Then I am a nonisolated part of this isolated universe of love which is attached to the me. and I am obviously attached to the you. and that is what I think love is all about.
Then slowly I realized what is the thing I loved in her, that was every thing even her being crazy about the stupidest things, the sincerity ofcourse, again the beauty, the dangerous look which a boy would have always wanted for and it is what I am craving for.
I never had guts to accept such a real time love of mine in its zenith. I always admired her by my own way. Every time I looked at most of girls I was just able to look at them like her. It made me crazier about the world they all seem to me like the same, the best, the one I ever wanted to be with just a simple difference, but some of the times my perceptory senses were unable to distinguish such noticable differences.
After the ghost of love have left my head I started realizing the differences but the love remained and know I suppose I reckon correctly that I have always loved only Emma Watson.
I know that she is never gonna read it but it is like some of things are written for your loved ones even when you don't expect them to even know about.
Since Then I am a nonisolated part of this isolated universe of love which is attached to the me. and I am obviously attached to the you. and that is what I think love is all about.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
This is just for information
It starts with the feeling of shame when I decided to analyse myself. I wasn't feeling any shame when the person started slapping me when I put fire on his hay, since then the hay had different faces but the subject was just the same.
No nostaligic feeling came to me whenever it got repeated but the sense of awe was their which converted to anger and finally to confidence but never shame. The people related to me and who witnessed the same felt shame and and the culprits started trembling in front of me but I wasn't.
Then the boy decided to convert him from a monk to satan but still the problem of sophisticaion comes in between him and the revenge. He didn't forgive, he just forget to forgive.
The confidence in him made him non-beliver and started to built up to such a level that he started reading books like "shame" for the feeling of shame. When I was a child my parents told me that shame is manners and that is what have got me. When I try to show manners it became sofastication instead of shame and when I understood that the time has already passed away and finally I become a homicide who is too restless to fuck the world.
I started "atlas shrugged" and it took me to the world of fantasy where I always wanted to be. I was always trying to be a person who is too selfless when I was teenager and also when I was in so called feeling of love and emotions, and then I read it where I learned that I was projecting what I am not. But these of my feeling changes when my own creativity has been blocked by the books. My analysing capacity finds the statements as axioms and my ass try to grasps them not to avoid them and then the fantasy takes me to Hogwards where finally I have dreamt to live with Hermione Granger.
Even one day when I was sitting with Hermoine Granger alone in a mathematics class just as close as I am to my own self. I could smell even her parts and feel the thing which a boy should never feel after the girl had ............. That was the when I was truly I don't know felt what but that day I again felt the same slap what I have felt when I fired the hay, and the real victim was the teacher and she who felt shame, while nobody knows the culprit. This was again realised by me years later when I saw Dev D.
The slaps went on from home to school, class to hostel, trip to inertia, lansdowne to varanasi to pune to ahemdabad to delhi to every where I went. and the story is still going on.
THIS IS JUST FOR INFORMATION
Deepak Agarwal
No nostaligic feeling came to me whenever it got repeated but the sense of awe was their which converted to anger and finally to confidence but never shame. The people related to me and who witnessed the same felt shame and and the culprits started trembling in front of me but I wasn't.
Then the boy decided to convert him from a monk to satan but still the problem of sophisticaion comes in between him and the revenge. He didn't forgive, he just forget to forgive.
The confidence in him made him non-beliver and started to built up to such a level that he started reading books like "shame" for the feeling of shame. When I was a child my parents told me that shame is manners and that is what have got me. When I try to show manners it became sofastication instead of shame and when I understood that the time has already passed away and finally I become a homicide who is too restless to fuck the world.
I started "atlas shrugged" and it took me to the world of fantasy where I always wanted to be. I was always trying to be a person who is too selfless when I was teenager and also when I was in so called feeling of love and emotions, and then I read it where I learned that I was projecting what I am not. But these of my feeling changes when my own creativity has been blocked by the books. My analysing capacity finds the statements as axioms and my ass try to grasps them not to avoid them and then the fantasy takes me to Hogwards where finally I have dreamt to live with Hermione Granger.
Even one day when I was sitting with Hermoine Granger alone in a mathematics class just as close as I am to my own self. I could smell even her parts and feel the thing which a boy should never feel after the girl had ............. That was the when I was truly I don't know felt what but that day I again felt the same slap what I have felt when I fired the hay, and the real victim was the teacher and she who felt shame, while nobody knows the culprit. This was again realised by me years later when I saw Dev D.
The slaps went on from home to school, class to hostel, trip to inertia, lansdowne to varanasi to pune to ahemdabad to delhi to every where I went. and the story is still going on.
THIS IS JUST FOR INFORMATION
Deepak Agarwal
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