I CAN'T GUESS THE TITLE

Its deep down inside me. The term is agony. I judge an actor by the expression of his feelings when he shows that his soul (which I defined as the contentment of brain cells which produces emotions within you along with to perform your biological operations) is in deep agony in serious roles and his soul in deep joy when he performs a character with positive feeelings.

The most important part of our life is what is deep down inside us. It may be aquired, adapted or innate, but cannot be intentionally imposed.

Once I felt nothingness inside me or may be no feelings and the worst was no remorse for having nothingness. The I felt may be I am wrong I am too emotional to do that. Once my sister told me that she always guess wrongs about me because I change or show the real color of my skin years later. I am a cold blooded animal who sucks the hot blooders to get warmed up for the feeling. My intimacy for the feelings are such that I try to imitate them from the others, but not from the circumstances. I was stunned by her interpretation so I derived a new technique.

I tried to imbibe me with all sorts of swords in my brain. I started putting feelings inside me that may have warned me up and then you know what happened I failed in my quest. Just a little back in time I went into a feeling that still is very hard for me to deny , and may be this time for good/bad I am not able to get out of the feeling.

They are telling me that it will soon pass away but this time I want to lose my immortality. I wanted to be predicatble. I wanted things like money, and heart full of emotions. May be I can stay like this for the whole of my life just trying to understand the quantums of the society but what haunts me is ignominy. Like the most brilliant actors I want to feel it deep down inside and may be by that way I can be the one that I might have dreamt for years.

I want to want fame, name, money, love and all the stupidnees that exists in this logical world and the irony is I have wanted them long back deep down inside. My soul cries (my brain biological cell) that I shouldn't be so rough on me but still I don't know that how much will it matter.

I want to feel the same way, the language of disrimination that cheif officer of Dorado had. He just told me that It is being unprofessional of me being listening to a pakistani over and Indian. I wanted to say him fuck off but know what I want is his innate qualities.

But like a small child taking birth I should or the circumstances should teach me that which of the feelings are pure and came out of heart, not the feelings that are generated my own self humilitation. Sometimes it shows that we are losing our integrity to mortals of shame and may be to a person who was too forced to look deep down inside his soul.

And then I force myself for this stupidity. No, Its not that but the moon is always dark but we make it only one side dark where the light of sun doesn't reach but It may still have the calmness that I love, the pacifying ability, the gravity that pulls out the humongous water to several meters, and above all it holds the image in the poems of a love generator.

And thats why I want to return to the world of mortals.